


Is This The World We Created...?

by alifetime



Category: IT (2017)
Genre: I'm Sorry, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Losers Club (IT) Friendship, M/M, Sad Ending, Sad Richie Tozier, Self-Harm, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-23
Updated: 2018-04-23
Packaged: 2019-04-26 22:31:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,875
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14411916
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alifetime/pseuds/alifetime
Summary: warnings: character death/suicide/self harmAfter Richie’s suicide, Eddie tries to understand the concept of why Richie decided that leaving the world would be a lot better than staying.





	Is This The World We Created...?

**Author's Note:**

> before you read, please note that there is self-harm, suicide and character death. if you do not feel comfortable with that then please click off!

Eddie couldn’t think. He didn’t even think he could feel. The hand he held in his was cold, lifeless. Bandages covered up the blood of his arms, and Eddie had thought, what was the point? He was dead. There was no bringing this boy back into his life.

Richie was the only one out of the Losers who had stayed close to them. None of the others talked, but Richie was friends with everyone. Mainly because he was the only one who acted normal, as if nothing had ever happened, and they needed that. They needed a bit of sanity. But now he was gone. Who was going to be the only sane one out of the seven (six) of them?

The others weren’t here. Eddie didn’t even think they knew yet.

He shivered, thinking about how he had found Richie.

 

**\- - -**

 

No one had seen him in the last couple of days, and Eddie was getting worried. Had Pennywise returned and snatched Richie from them? Had Richie’s parents stoped their son from seeing his friends? (They wouldn’t do that. They weren’t Eddie’s mother. They loved the Losers). Or was Richie just having a few lazy days?

Eddie decided to go round the house. He was surprised to find that Maggie’s and Wentworth’s car wasn’t there. Richie never mentioned anything about his parents going on another business trip. Whatever the case, Eddie’s first thought was that maybe Richie went with them. But he had told Eddie he hated those boring business trips, so he was happy by the age of ten when his parents let him stay home alone for a long weekend.

Eddie had wandered into the house which was unlocked as usual. They liked to welcome everyone in. But when the main owners of the house weren’t here, surely Richie would have locked the door?

“Richie?” Eddie called, quite uncertain. There was no answer. He found himself trudging up the stairs of the Tozier household when he couldn’t see any sign of life downstairs. 

Richie was always in his room—he’s probably just got his Walkman on full blast. However, when Eddie opened the door, he found that there was no sign of Richie. In fact, it looked as if there had been no Richie in this room at all. Maggie looked as if she had cleaned his room before they left and Richie had yet to sleep in the bed. Maybe he had gone with them? He closed the door to the room quietly and that’s when his eye caught something he wouldn’t see in a normal household.

From the bathroom door there was water seeping into the carpet. But the water was a light pink, almost red. A set of panic set inside Eddie.

 _“Richie?!”_ He went up to the door, trying to avoid the pink water. When he pushed on it, he found it was locked. “Richie!” He shouted again. Still no answer. He banged his small fists on the door, to no avail. Now he was definitely panicking. “Richie! Open the _fucking_ door!” He breathed heavily and stopped with the banging. Not caring about the red water, he stepped back and rammed into the door. The door’s lock broke on impact and Eddie went tumbling to the floor. There was a splash, and he found that the water, pink to a dark red, was surrounding the normally tidy and clean bathroom tiled floors.

His immediate thought was Pennywise and shot up, not caring about the water. His eyes landed on Richie. No sound came from him. The boy was just lying there. His doe, brown eyes were lifeless, no glasses on, his lips parted slightly and head back against the end of the bathtub. The water in the tub was a dark, sickening red. Eddie reached for his inhaler, but then remembered he no longer had it.

 _“Oh...”_ he gasped quietly. He tripped his way to the tub, looking down. “Oh dear ... um, Richie?”

Without thinking, he reached into the tub and held Richie under his arms. His head fell forwards and Eddie pushed the tears in his eyes back, blinking rapidly. He cradled Richie to his chest, shaky, ragged breaths escaping him. He felt light headed and sick. The smell of metallic blood filled his nose and he tried not to gag. He lifted one of Richie’s arms and chocked out a dry sob/laugh. His whole forearm was slashed, open wide but no longer bleeding. How long had he been in here? The boy’s skin complexion was more pale than normal and the water was so cold.

“Richie, it’s okay, it’s gonna be okay.” Eddie couldn’t comprehend with what he was saying. He held Richie close to his chest, tears still not falling. He couldn’t cry because this wasn’t real. It was just some nightmare. Richie wasn’t dead.

He let one of his fingers travel to the underside of Richie’s neck. No pulse.

“Hey... Richie?” He tried shaking the boy.

This was just a dream...

Eddie didn’t know how long he had sat there, holding Richie to his chest, but it seemed such a long time before the door to the front house opened. Eddie could faintly here Maggie’s and Wentworth’s jolly voices echoing through the house. Eddie tightened his grip on the boy, shaking still. His breathing was getting louder. God, he felt as if he was going to die.

“Richie? We’re home!” Maggie called around the house.

Eddie whimpered.

“Richie?”

There were gentle footfalls of Maggie coming up the stairs. Eddie didn’t want to see the look on her face. 

“Eddie, what are you doing here?” Maggie said, voice light and confused.

Eddie shook his head.

“What—“ Maggie stopped and gasped. “Richie?” She suddenly ran over to her son, and Eddie let go reluctantly. She held Richie up just like Eddie had done, her hands caressing his pale, freckled cheeks. His eyes were still open just slightly. “Richie, sweetie, answer me.”

Eddie felt as if he were intruding. He couldn’t bring himself to leave, though.

“Wentworth!” Maggie suddenly screamed out desperately. “Wentworth! Get up here!”

“What? What’s wrong?” Wentworth’s worried voice travelled up the hall.

“Richie! Richie, honey, wake up!” Maggie cried desperately.

Eddie let out a small whimper again, feeling the lump in his throat, wanting to desperately cry. He couldn’t though. He felt as if he couldn’t. None of this was real ... none of this was happening...

Wentworth stumbled in and let out a strangled sound that Eddie didn’t quite catch. He didn’t go straight to Richie like Eddie and Maggie did, he ran straight out. Eddie presumed he went for the telephone.

Maggie burst into tears, hugging Richie tight to her chest, whimpering, crying quietly with tears rolling down her flushed, freckled cheeks.

 _“My baby_... my baby boy...” she chocked. _“My sweet boy...”_

Any other time Maggie had called Richie that, he would turn a lovely shade of red, whining when his mum tried to kiss and hug him. Eddie would laugh and Richie would tell him to fuck off; Maggie would then scold him, then let them run along to wherever they were off to.

Now, that could never happen again...

After a moment, Wentworth came in, muttering something about an ambulance on the way before collapsing next to Maggie and staring at his only son and child in horror. He lift up Richie’s cold, dead arms and squeezed his eyes shut, breathing unevenly. Eddie could only watch. He didn’t know what to do.

“Why would h-he do this, Went?” Maggie cried miserably, running her hands through Richie’s unruly damp hair. “ _Why_?” She burst into a load of noisy tears again. Eddie could see a few tears had escaped from Wentworth’s own eyes, and pulled his wife close along with his son. “Oh God ... I didn’t mean t-to—“

“Shh,” Wentworth hushed. He let out a small cry himself, looking at Richie. He also went to caress his sons cheeks. He flinched away and his his face into Maggie’s soft, brown curly hair.

What did she do?

 

**\- - -**

 

Turns out Richie and his parents had a huge argument before they left the house. It was quite rare, but Richie had said something out of line and Wentworth finally snapped. He had shouted at Richie, and had said a few words he regrets. Maggie had sided with Wentworth and they stormed out of the house.

“He died thinking we hated him,” Maggie had cried. “He died hating _us...”_

Eddie knew Richie loved his parents like old-worn books. Wentworth used a lot of Richie’s phrases and jokes and supported his son fully on his Voices. Maggie may have wanted a girl, but she loved her son nevertheless, always peppering him in kisses and hugging him. He may of acted like he hated it, but Eddie could tell he loved his parents affections. So Eddie was sure his suicide was nothing to do with his parents.

He still held Richie’s hand.

He was allowed to be in this cold room alone with Richie for the very last time. He came here to think. And the more he thought, the more real it all seemed. He still hadn’t cried, because it hadn’t sunk in.

He went over another few points in his head, rubbing his hands over the other boy’s that lay there, eyes now closed and a cloth covering up to his chest.

Eddie (or even any of the others) hadn’t even noticed any difference in Richie. Maybe he was a little quieter and his jokes subsided to terrible puns ... but they were all a little run-down after that goddamn clown.

After that fucking shape-shifting life-ruiner.

He killed Georgie. Betty. Edward. Even the absence of Patrick was daunting. It just didn’t feel right. The absence of the Bowers gang was weird as well. He may of not liked them, but he would never wish death upon anyone.

Now Eddie was pretty sure Pennywise was the one to start off these chain of events for Richie to drive himself to suicide.

Richie never shared anything with anyone. If Eddie had just asked once ... just once if something was wrong, then maybe Richie would be alive right now.

 

**\- - -**

 

When the casket was finally lowered, everyone’s silence consumed the clouds above them, Eddie had to look away. He couldn’t take it.

That was it. Richie was gone. He was gone forever. There was no chance of coming him back.

The Losers were also there (or could he even call them that now with Richie gone?). None were looking at one another. They just looked sullen, staring ahead and right through everything. Eddie felt a bolt of anger well up inside of him. Where had they been all this time? Where had they been when Richie needed them? ... Where had _he_ been?

One by one, people started to leave. Maggie had her face buried in her husbands chest as he rubbed her shoulder, tears falling down his cheeks.

“Eddie-bear?” His mother spoke quietly. It was the only time she had ever shown empathy towards Richie and his parents. “Do you want to get going?”

He shook his head. “Not now, Ma.” He looked up at her, his eyes desperate. “Could I stay here for a little longer? Alone?”

She looked hesitant at first but then reluctantly nodded. She gave him a small kiss to his head and walked towards the car.

He needed to talk to the others. And it seemed as if they had the same thing in mind. After a while, everyone had left, save from Maggie and Wentworth who stayed by the now buried land, still awaiting a headstone. As the death had been so sudden and unexpected, it would take up to a couple of weeks for them to make a headstone for Richie.

Eddie walked away from the gravestone, onto a dirt path, out of sight of Maggie and Wentworth. The Losers followed in silence behind him. He stopped, now finally facing them.

They all looked wonderfully smart. Beverly had a black dress on that went just past her knees with a little collar and bag just around her shoulder. Bill stood tall next to her in a suit and bow tie. Ben, who had recently started losing weight, was also wearing a suit, but in grey. Ben never liked daunting, dark colours, and neither had Richie. He wore that grey colour for Richie. Stan was wearing a black suit as well with just a normal tie, much like he’d wear when respectively coming with Richie for Sunday’s for the Church of God and Richie’s parents. Richie did the same with coming with Stan and his parents for his Jewish beliefs, supporting him. They had done this ever since they were little with both their parents becoming fast friends. Richie was Stan’s first friend. Mike wore a black suit and tie with shiny new shoes, looking as handsome as ever. 

No matter how wonderful and smart they looked, emotionally, flashing within their eyes, is something darker and sadder than ever when the Pennywise incident went down.

“Where were you?” Eddie croaked out.

They said nothing. Each one of them looked guilty.

Eddie laughed bitterly, tears finally _—finally!—_ making their way from his eyes. He didn’t think they’d be stopping for a few days.

“We weren’t there for him,” he chocked out, not bothering to wipe the tears that made their way down his cheeks.

Richie was truly gone. It had just sunk in.

He looked at Bill and saw he was also crying. He again became angry.

“Why the _fuck_ are you crying?” he suddenly shouted, causing them all to jump, startled looks crossing their faces. “You _never_ came to see him! You didn’t _find_ him! Do you even know what _happened_?”

Again, with the guilty looks. Did they seriously not know what happened?

Eddie laughed once again and shook his head, disbelieving his friends. _Friends._ That word sounded foreign in his mind now.

“Want to know?” he asked sarcastically. Richie would be so proud of him right now. He didn’t give them time to answer. “He was so fucking depressed, guys. He cried himself to sleep every night. He blames himself for what happened to Beverly, to what happened to me. God, I’m pretty sure he felt guilty for what happened to Georgie! He knew we all found him annoying, but Richie being Richie took it to heart, and thought we all hated him. He still had nightmares about It! He traumatised Richie _every single_ fucking night for weeks, even months, and none of us gave a flying fuck about how shit he looked every _single_ day! Pennywise —  _that son of a bitch —_ taunted and mocked Richie. He told him things that weren’t true. Eventually, it all became too much. The Voices in his head were there, they told him to do it. And the argument with his parents was enough to tip him over the edge.”

Beverly looked away, wiping away tears. Ben looked solemn, unmoving. All three, Bill, Stanly and Mike were crying silently, still not saying a word. Eddie continued:

“It got so much—he tried reaching out to us all he could ... and we didn’t do anything ... he went into that bathroom, found his dad’s razor, taking the fucking thing apart whilst running himself a warm bath; still in clothes, and glasses setting aside, he slit his wrists and died, alone _and_ scared.”

There was a silence. Not the silence Eddie was expecting. It was tense, yes, but the silence was also warm.

“We didn’t know,” Beverly finally spoke up. “ _God_ , we didn’t know...”

Eddie wasn’t listening. “Of course you didn’t know.” he said bitterly.

“We’re sorry, Eddie—“ started Stanly.

 _“Why the fuck are you saying sorry to me?!”_ Eddie exploded again. “What the fuck is wrong with you! You should be saying sorry to Richie! I’m sorry Richie for igoring you! I’m sorry for telling you to shut-up twenty-four seven! I’m sorry for not thinking, for just a goddamn _moment_ , that maybe you were hurting too!” Tears wouldn’t stop. They seemed to have a mind of their own, and he couldn’t stop crying... he just couldn’t stop.

Warm arms drew him for a hug, and he tried beating at them weakly, but he couldn’t. He no longer could feel Richie’s own arms close around him protectively. Richie can’t hold him when he had a nightmare anymore. He took advantage of that, maybe a little too much. He now realised that none of them ever held Richie like he held them. He helped them, and what did they give him in return? Jack-shit, they did.

He found it was Bill holding him and Beverly soon joined, then the other three finally did.

“W-we were c-c-careless,” mumbled Bill, gently rocking Eddie. That’s what Richie used to do. “W-we were idiots.”

“Yes,” Eddie ground out, tears dripping off the end of his chin.

“And we won’t let anything else happen,” said Beverly. “We won’t. We promise.”

“We promise,” said the rest.

Eddie sighed, looking up at Bill. He was smiling sadly, nose red and eyes teary. “I promise, too.”

...

Yet that promise was broken twenty-seven-years later when they all rejoined, noting that Stanly was not there, and would never be with them again.

**Author's Note:**

> it’s sad—one i have never thought of even writing. but this just came into my head one day, and i’m all for sad richie centrics.
> 
> side note— i do not ship reddie. but their friendship is amazing <3


End file.
